Ben Rehder—Mystery Author

2011-09-30T14:16:00.002-05:00

Ebooks to date...all for $2.99!

Buck Fever for the Kindle

Buck Fever for the Nook

Bone Dry for the Kindle

Bone Dry for the Nook

Flat Crazy for the Kindle

Flat Crazy for the Nook

2011-08-28T08:52:00.001-05:00

ebooks!

Do you own a Kindle or Nook, or are you planning to mug someone who does? Then you should know I'm in the process of releasing the first four Blanco County mysteries as ebooks for the low low price of $2.99. Here's the first one—FLAT CRAZY for the Nook.

2011-05-05T08:49:00.003-05:00

New Interview

Literary publicist Stephanie Barko is conducting a month-long series of interviews of Texas authors over on her blog. Today the interviewee is—wait for it—me. Check it out. Better yet, leave comments over there so I'll appear popular. You could even win a book. Yes, one of mine. Sorry. Here's the link:

http://stephaniebarko.com/2011/05/05/texas-writers-month-author-interview-series-ben-rehder/#comments

2011-01-18T09:25:00.001-06:00

Spring of 2012

I knew that TCU Press would be publishing my next novel, THE CHICKEN HANGER, but I didn't know when. Now I know it will be in the spring of next year. When I know the exact date, I will post it here.

2010-11-30T11:06:00.002-06:00

The LATEST latest...

You can see that I'm not blogging here much anymore. But I am on Facebook, so come on over there and friend me.

Here's a summary of where things stand:

Holy Moly was the finale in the Blanco County series. I'm not saying there will never be another one, but at this point, I'm not planning on it. If some publisher came along who simply couldn't live without another one, well, then things might be different.

I wrote a standalone—The Chicken Hanger—that will be published by TCU Press, although I don't know the exact date yet. Probably in the fall of 2011 or the spring of 2012. Watch for updates here.

Not long ago, I finished a manuscript for a young-adult novel. My agent is currently pitching that to important people who know about such things. If it finds a home, I will announce it here, there, and everywhere.

Thanks for dropping by.

2010-07-19T08:14:00.002-05:00

Remember a few months ago...

...when I said a publisher was interested in my latest manuscript? We finally have the details ironed out. TCU Press will be publishing THE CHICKEN HANGER, probably sometime late in 2011 or early in 2012.

2010-06-16T08:48:00.002-05:00

Almost There.

The publisher and I are working out a few small details on the contract mentioned below, and after that, I'll share the details. Yes, it's moving s-l-o-w-l-y....

2010-03-03T07:20:00.001-06:00

Good News

I received some great news this morning about my seventh manuscript, which my agent and I have been pitching for a while. It has found a home. Of course, I'm one of those guys who thinks disaster will strike at any moment, so I won't share the details just yet. But as soon as I sign the forthcoming publishing contract, I will spill the beans.

2010-02-20T12:14:00.002-06:00

Where Things Stand

The question I get most often is: When is the next book coming out?

Well, first, thanks for asking. I do appreciate the interest.

Here's the situation: I'm continuing to pitch my most recently completed manuscript. Right now it's in the hands of a publisher who seems interested. I hope to hear back soon, but these things can take quite some time.

Meanwhile, I recently started a new manuscript. This is not a Blanco County mystery, nor is the one mentioned above. That series ended with Holy Moly. I suppose it's possible that I might write another Blanco County mystery someday, but I don't have any immediate plans to do that.

That's the latest. If anything changes, you can bet I'll post it here.

Thanks for reading. As always, Red says, "Howdy."

2009-11-29T08:53:00.002-06:00

The black market in white-tailed deer.

I have an article in the latest issue of Texas Parks & Wildlife magazine. Here's a bit...

TROPHY BUCKS FOR SALE
Black deer trade poses health threat for whitetail population.
By Ben Rehder
It’s a humid summer evening in central Texas, and a man we’ll call Cal is about to make an illegal purchase. As a result, his anxiety level is high. His palms are damp, his heart is racing and his mouth is dry.

The item in this particular transaction isn’t a bale of marijuana or a stolen laptop, or even a crate of bootleg CDs. It’s an 11-point white-tailed buck with highly desirable drop-tine antlers off each main beam.

2009-11-25T17:48:00.004-06:00

It appears some people aren't as thankful as they claim to be.

This is from a CNN website poll...

2009-11-25T14:12:00.003-06:00

Holiday Gift Idea

A few months ago, I sold a signed complete set of the Blanco mysteries on eBay. Boy, did I feel like a proud entrepreneurial capitalist. It went well.

Recently I got my hands on another new copy of Buck Fever (a remainder, actually), so I'm selling another full set on eBay.

Check it out right here.

I'll sign 'em however you want.

2009-11-25T07:14:00.001-06:00

Funny and accurate.

Click for a larger version (I think.)

2009-11-20T07:32:00.000-06:00

I joined Facebook.

Come be my friend.

2009-09-11T10:12:00.002-05:00

What's wrong with this ad?

2009-08-14T15:27:00.003-05:00

I never knew it was this easy.

Like most authors, I'm always looking for new ways to get the word out about my books--and increase sales.

Fortunately, I receive Publishers Lunch, which is sort of an insider's look at the publishing industry. They sell ad space across the top of the email, and today's ad says:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Authors - Want To Make Your Book An Instant Bestseller?

Discover how on free telephone seminar Tuesday, August 18th

Want to find out how one author made her book an Amazon.com,
Barnes & Noble and New York Times Bestseller? Join us Tuesday,
August 18th for a free telephone seminar and discover the ingenious,
yet simple "bestseller blueprint" you can use to sell more books in
a week than most authors sell all year. It works for all types of
books and costs almost nothing to implement. On the call, you'll
hear from four authors who've used it to make their books bestsellers
and one who sold $184,256.00 of copies at zero cost!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That sounds great. I will be a famous bestselling author in no time, I'm sure.

Some people might think phrases like "instant bestseller" and "costs almost nothing" would be warning signs, but not me!

2009-08-12T08:09:00.002-05:00

If I were writing another Blanco County novel....

Police: Man used deer antlers in north Austin fight

11:39 AM CDT on Tuesday, August 11, 2009

KVUE.com Staff

A man faces aggravated assault charges in connection with an incident using an unusual weapon.

According to an arrest affidavit, Randy Keith Carlson, 43, is accused of attacking another man with deer antlers.

Witnesses reported that Carlson and another man were arguing when Carlson began attacking the other man with the antlers on Monday afternoon. The fight ended when an officer pulled up on the scene on Rutland Drive.

According to court documents, the ends of the antlers had been sharpened.

Bond was set at $25,000.

2009-08-02T21:22:00.003-05:00

Good signing in Junction

I haven't been doing many events this year, but I had a good time speaking with folks at the Kimble County Library in Junction nine days ago. They laughed at my lame jokes and asked plenty of good questions. Plus...cookies. Cookies are always a bonus.

One couple—Dale and Connie Copeland—drove all the way from Hearne, which is about 190 miles from Junction. They sent me this photo yesterday. Thanks, Copelands!

2009-08-01T10:37:00.001-05:00

A couple of my recent hummingbird photos

2009-07-30T08:16:00.002-05:00

What I've been reading.

Father of Jack asked what I've been reading lately. The truth is, I haven't been reading quite as much as I usually do, and that's probably tied to not writing as much as I usually do. The two are often linked.

Anyway, I've read...

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO, by Stieg Larsson, which was good, albeit a little slow at first. I kept going and ultimately enjoyed it.

The first few chapters of THE LIGHTNING THIEF, by Rick Riordan, just to see what the hubbub is about. It's not the sort of book I'd normally read, but I can understand why kids are loving that series.

SWAN PEAK, by James Lee Burke, which is another solid addition to the Robicheaux series, although, honestly, I think that series is reaching its limits.

FEELERS, by Brian Wiprud, which is very unique and a lot of fun. Go pick that one up.

There are others, but I can't remember what they are right now, which is a review unto itself.

2009-01-19T17:49:00.002-06:00

Introducing the Blanco County General Store!

You've probably noticed that I haven't been posting much around here lately. The truth is, I'm a little burned out on it. So I'm going to take a break for an undetermined amount of time. Before I do that however, I wanted to mention this....

Not long ago, at a book club, a reader asked if I was doing anything to commemorate the end of the Blanco County series. Well, I hadn't even thought about it. Considering that the paperback of Holy Moly will be released in a few months, I figured I'd better get on the stick.

So I'm proud to announce the grand opening of the Blanco County General Store (also known as the web storefront where Ben shamelessly hawks questionable merchandise). I've attached a couple of examples of the shirts available on the site.

Check it out by clicking here.

Again, thanks for all your support over the years. My agent is currently pitching the standalone novel I wrote last year. When I have news on that front, you can bet you'll hear it here.

2009-01-16T08:10:00.000-06:00

The 2009 Edgar® Award Nominees are...

Mystery Writers of America is proud to announce, as we celebrate the 200th anniversary of the birth of Edgar Allan Poe, its Nominees for the 2009 Edgar Allan Poe Awards, honoring the best in mystery fiction, non-fiction, television and film published or produced in 2008. The Edgar® Awards will be presented to the winners at our 63rd Gala Banquet, April 30, 2009 at the Grand Hyatt Hotel, New York City.

BEST NOVEL

Missing by Karin Alvtegen (Felony & Mayhem Press)
Blue Heaven by C.J. Box (St. Martin's Minotaur)
Sins of the Assassin by Robert Ferrigno (Simon & Schuster - Scribner)
The Price of Blood by Declan Hughes (HarperCollins – William Morrow)
The Night Following by Morag Joss (Random House – Delacorte Press)
Curse of the Spellmans by Lisa Lutz (Simon & Schuster)

BEST FIRST NOVEL BY AN AMERICAN AUTHOR

The Kind One by Tom Epperson (Five Star, div of Cengage)
Sweetsmoke by David Fuller (Hyperion)
The Foreigner by Francie Lin (Picador)
Calumet City by Charlie Newton (Simon & Schuster - Touchstone)
A Cure for Night by Justin Peacock (Random House - Doubleday)

BEST PAPERBACK ORIGINAL

The Prince of Bagram by Alex Carr (Random House Trade)
Money Shot by Christa Faust (Hard Case Crime)
Enemy Combatant by Ed Gaffney (Random House - Dell)
China Lake by Meg Gardiner (New American Library – Obsidian Mysteries)
The Cold Spot by Tom Piccirilli (Random House - Bantam)

BEST FACT CRIME

For The Thrill of It: Leopold, Loeb and the Murder that Shocked Chicago by Simon Baatz (HarperCollins)
American Lightning: Terror, Mystery, the Birth of Hollywood, and the Crime of the Century by Howard Blum (Crown Publishers)
Havana Nocturne: How the Mob Owned Cuba and Then Lost It To The Revolution by T.J. English (HarperCollins – William Morrow)
The Man Who Made Vermeers: Unvarnishing the Legend of Master Forger Hans van Meegeren by Jonathan Lopez (Harcourt)
The Suspicions of Mr. Whicher by Kate Summerscale (Walker & Company)

BEST CRITICAL/BIOGRAPHICAL

African American Mystery Writers: A Historical and Thematic Study by Frankie Y. Bailey (McFarland & Company)
Hard-Boiled Sentimentality: The Secret History of American Crime Stories by Leonard Cassuto (Columbia University Press)
Scene of the Crime: The Importance of Place in Crime and Mystery Fiction by David Geherin (McFarland & Company)
The Rise of True Crime by Jean Murley (Greenwood Publishing – Praeger)
Edgar Allan Poe: An Illustrated Companion to His Tell-Tale Stories by Dr. Harry Lee Poe (Sterling Publishing – Metro Books)

BEST SHORT STORY

"A Sleep Not Unlike Death" - Hardcore Hardboiled by Sean Chercover (Kensington Publishing)
"Skin and Bones" – Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine by David Edgerley Gates (Dell Magazines)
"Scratch of a Woman" - Hardly Knew Her by Laura Lippman (HarperCollins – William Morrow)
"La Vie en Rose" - Paris Noir by Dominique Mainard (Akashic Books
"Skinhead Central" - The Blue Religion by T. Jefferson Parker (Hachette Book Group – Little, Brown and Company)

BEST JUVENILE

The Postcard by Tony Abbott (Little, Brown Books for Young Readers)
Enigma: A Magical Mystery by Graeme Base (Abrams Books for Young Readers)
Eleven by Patricia Reilly Giff (Random House Children's Books – Wendy Lamb Books)
The Witches of Dredmoore Hollow by Riford McKenzie (Marshall Cavendish Children's Books)
Cemetary Street by Brenda Seabrooke (Holiday House)

BEST YOUNG ADULT

Bog Child by Siobhan Dowd (Random House Children's Books – David Fickling Books)
The Big Splash by Jack D. Ferraiolo (Harry N. Abrams Books – Amulet Books)
Paper Towns by John Green (Penguin Young Readers Group – Dutton Children's Books)
Getting the Girl by Susan Juby (HarperCollins Children's Books - HarperTeen)
Torn to Pieces by Margo McDonnell (Random House Children's Books – Delacorte Books for Young Readers)

BEST PLAY

The Ballad of Emmett Till by Ifa Bayeza (Goodman Theatre, Chicago, IL)
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde adapted by Jeffrey Hatcher, based on the story by Robert Lewis Stevenson (Arizona Theatre Company)
Cell by Judy Klass (International Mystery Writers' Festival)

BEST TELEVISION EPISODE TELEPLAY

"Streetwise" – Law & Order: SVU, Teleplay by Paul Grellong (Wolf Films/NBC Universal)
"Prayer of the Bone" – Wire in the Blood, Teleplay by Patrick Harbinson (BBC America)
"Signature" – Law & Order: SVU, Teleplay by Judith McCreary (Wolf Films/NBC Universal)
"You May Now Kill the Bride" – CSI: Miami, Teleplay by Barry O'Brien (CBS)
"Burn Card" – Law & Order, Teleplay by David Wilcox (Wolf Films/NBC Universal)

BEST MOTION PICTURE SCREENPLAY

The Bank Job, Screenplay by Dick Clement & Ian La Frenais (Lionsgate)
Burn After Reading, Screenplay by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen (Focus Features)
In Bruges, Screenplay by Martin McDonagh (Focus Features)
Tell No One, Screenplay by Guillaume Canet, based on the book by Harlan Coben (Music Box Films)
Transsiberian, Screenplay by Brad Anderson & Will Conroy (First Look International)

ROBERT L. FISH MEMORIAL AWARD

"Buckner's Error" - Queens Noir by Joseph Guglielmelli (Akashic Books)

GRAND MASTERS

James Lee Burke
Sue Grafton

RAVEN AWARDS

Edgar Allan Poe Society, Baltimore, Maryland
Poe House, Baltimore, Maryland

THE SIMON & SCHUSTER - MARY HIGGINS CLARK AWARD

Sacrifice by S.J. Bolton (St. Martin's Minotaur)
The Killer's Wife by Bill Floyd (St. Martin's Minotaur)
Stalking Susan by Julie Kramer (Random House - Doubleday)
A Song for You by Betsy Thornton (St. Martin's Minotaur)
The Fault Tree by Louise Ure (St. Martin's Minotaur)

# # # #

The EDGAR (and logo) are Registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office by the Mystery Writers of America, Inc.

2009-01-14T13:51:00.000-06:00

Just another day in Iran.

TEHRAN — Two men convicted of adultery were stoned to death in northeastern Iran last month, but a third convicted man managed to escape, judiciary spokesman Ali Reza Jamshidi said. The stoning took place in the city of Mashhad in late December, he said. Typically in such cases, a man is buried up to his waist, while a woman is buried up to her neck. Those carrying out the verdict then throw stones until the person dies. If the person manages to escape from the hole, he or she will remain free under Islamic law. "Given that the third person managed to pull himself out of the hole, the verdict was not carried out," Jamshidi said.

2009-01-12T14:56:00.002-06:00

New Article

Some of you know that I bought a new point-and-shoot camera last summer, and I loved it, and I kept babbling about it on this blog. Well, I took that enthusiasm and wrote a magazine article instead, and you can read it here in Texas Parks & Wildlife.

2009-01-06T15:21:00.000-06:00

Why is sausage news always amusing?

I don't know, but it is...

Woman charged with stealing soap and sausages

By Isadora Vail | Tuesday, January 6, 2009, 10:30 AM

A woman was arrested and charged Monday with stealing several packages of soap and a pack of sausages from a store, according to an arrest affidavit.

Etta Ellison, 49, was seen putting a package of sausages, two packs of Dove soap, and a pack of Jergens soap in her purse by a cashier at the City Market on Airport Boulevard, according to the affidavit.

The cashier said Ellison put the items in her purse and left the store without paying, the affidavit states. The items total $10.94. Because Ellison has two prior theft convictions, according to the affidavit, this charge is a state jail felony that is punishable up to two years in a state jail if convicted.

2008-12-31T09:06:00.001-06:00

Column with a short shelf life.

I wrote this piece back in November but never managed to sell it to anyone. So I figured I'd give it away for free, right here, to you lucky people.

A VOTE IN FAVOR OF SHORTER ELECTIONS

There are two types of people in this country: Those who despise an election process that drags on for nearly two years, and those who merely hate it. But do the members of these diverse groups have valid reasons for their feelings? Does all this electioneering lead to sensory overload?

Let’s take a look back at the bid for the presidency. Barack Obama announced his candidacy a full twenty-one months before the election. John McCain followed suit three weeks later. Which meant we, the general public, were forced to begin thinking about all sorts of painful issues much earlier than was truly necessary. I, for one, resent the fact that precious media resources were devoted to topics such as the economy, health care, and the war on terrorism, rather than focusing on more relevant subjects, such as Clay Aiken’s sexual preference or the latest castoff from “Dancing With the Stars.”

Fortunately, the pundits—in an effort to keep our attention—had the good sense to dangle a few shiny objects in our field of vision, such as the cost of Governor Palin’s wardrobe, photos from her days as a beauty queen, and, in a surprising twist, a comprehensive etymological study of the phrase “hockey mom.”

But is this type of in-depth coverage more than the average American voter can withstand? To find out, I spoke to a man I’ll call “Joe the Figment.” The results of our conversation were revealing, to say the least.

Me: Mr. Figment, do you think today’s political campaigns are too long? Does the ceaseless barrage of rhetoric numb the average citizen to the point where he or she simply tunes out?

Joe the Figment: I like bean dip.

Me: Interesting. So is a two-year election cycle overkill or, to the contrary, does it give each of us ample time to thoroughly analyze the candidates’ views?

Joe the Figment: I wish I owned a pony.

Clearly, all of this campaigning is taking a toll. The question is, what can we do about it? In my view, one solution would involve a national “announce your candidacy” day, falling perhaps a month before the general election. Unfortunately, with the pesky First Amendment being what it is, there is no effective means by which to prevent a candidate from announcing his or her intentions early and beginning an oratorical assault on our senses.

That leaves only one viable option: Endeavor to make the campaigns, and the election itself, much more entertaining. To that end, I humbly submit the following trio of suggestions.

• Allow the debates to be judged by those renowned arbiters of talent, Simon, Paula, and Randy. The possibilities are intriguing. You could, for instance, require the candidates to perform an a capella arrangement of their foreign policy platform. “Nonsense,” you might say. “Musical ability has nothing to do with a candidate’s political prowess.” I say: Tell that to Bill Clinton and his saxophone.

• Stage a no-holds-barred cage match between vice presidential candidates. Talk about a crowd pleaser. And if you think Joe Biden would have had an unfair advantage over Sarah Palin in this arena, you are deluding yourself. Yes, Biden has years of cutthroat Senate experience on his side, but Palin’s survival instincts are as sharply honed as the hunting knife she used to dispatch a feral hog last spring.

• Haul out the polygraph machine. At every rally, campaign stop, stump speech, and town hall meeting, the candidates’ statements would be charted by a lie detector. Not only would this strategy reveal their true feelings on issues such as abortion, Social Security, and taxes, we would likely get a few chuckles from the reactions to such seemingly innocuous remarks as, “It’s great to be back in Des Moines.”

These are but a few examples of how we can make the election process more rewarding and less stressful for all of us. I urge you to take my words to heart.

By the way, I am running for county dogcatcher in 2010. I would appreciate your support.

2008-12-21T19:13:00.002-06:00

More of that big buck.

Just click here to see a video I posted on YouTube.

2008-12-21T09:41:00.002-06:00

O' sweet irony, why must you torment me so?

I've been hunting some this year and haven't seen a good deer yet. I went yesterday afternoon and saw nothing. When I got home, Becky had taken this photo of a deer that was hanging around our front yard.

2008-12-19T10:56:00.001-06:00

Memorable holiday music, to say the least

One of the ad agencies where I used to work (a long time ago) made this very memorable holiday video. Make sure you watch it all the way through.

2008-12-19T08:14:00.002-06:00

Way to go, Joe!

My friend Joe Valenzuela sent me a photo from his latest blood donation. That means he earns a free hardback. So, Joe, email me again and let me know which book you want and how you'd like it signed. (Joe forgot to make the "Hook 'Em Horns" gesture, but since he's been to so many of my signings, I'll let it slide.)

Who's next? Go give blood and earn a free hardback! See the blog entry below.....

2008-12-18T15:32:00.002-06:00

Want to own a Kleenex tainted with Scarlett Johansson's snot—and a little lipstick?

You can, right here.

2008-12-18T10:23:00.002-06:00

Men Are Just Happier People

My wife just forwarded this to me. Pretty funny.

Why Men Are Happier Than Women.....

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for all of the people on your shopping list on December 24 in 25 minutes and then act like all of the other gifts purchased for YOUR relatives and friends were your idea.

2008-12-17T16:21:00.002-06:00

This will choke you up.

2008-12-17T09:10:00.001-06:00

Another entry in the stupid criminal files.

From the Statesman.....

San Antonio cashier tells robber to get a job

SAN ANTONIO — San Antonio police arrested a robbery suspect after a fast-food restaurant worker laughed at him and said get a job -- if he needed money.

The failed holdup happened last night at a McDonald's.

Police say the suspect approached a cashier and demanded money. Police say the cashier laughed and apparently didn't realize the man was trying to hold up the place.

The suspect then allegedly pulled out a box cutter and demanded the cashier's wallet. The employee complied, but had no money in his billfold.

The suspect fled, but was caught by police who responded to the robbery call.

San Antonio police say the suspect is expected to be charged with aggravated robbery.

2008-12-16T08:46:00.002-06:00

Tidbits

I watched an interesting show on the history of Christmas last night on the History Channel. Learned quite a few things. Did you know that there were winter solstice celebrations around this time of year—long before Christianity came along? Many people worshipped pagan gods such as Mithra and Odin. Some of these celebrations or festivals were brimming with drunkenness and debauchery. Way back when, people used to drag evergreens into their homes as a way to battle the bleak wintertime and celebrate life. Then Christianity grew and the holiday sort of evolved into a celebration of the birth of Jesus. Didn't stop some of the partiers, though. The Puritans even cancelled Christmas for a while. You can read more about it right here. All in all, Christmas has had a sort of strange and varied past. Here's an interesting excerpt:

In the early years of Christianity, Easter was the main holiday; the birth of Jesus was not celebrated. In the fourth century, church officials decided to institute the birth of Jesus as a holiday. Unfortunately, the Bible does not mention date for his birth (a fact Puritans later pointed out in order to deny the legitimacy of the celebration). Although some evidence suggests that his birth may have occurred in the spring (why would shepherds be herding in the middle of winter?), Pope Julius I chose December 25. It is commonly believed that the church chose this date in an effort to adopt and absorb the traditions of the pagan Saturnalia festival.

On a completely unrelated note, the city council in Austin is considering a law against feeding deer. Austin would become the largest city in the state with such a law. But getting rid of deer in urban or suburban areas isn't as easy as stopping the feeding. According to a state biologist, the deer would remain where they are, though they'd be less likely to congregate. The only real solution is to trap them or "harvest" them. Harvest means kills, of course. Meanwhile, the same homeowners who gripe about the deer freak out if they see a coyote. The danger posed to humans by coyotes is so tiny as to be almost nonexistent, but people want them exterminated. Gee, what happens when you get rid of all the predators? Animals like deer tend to thrive.

One of my game warden buddies called me this morning, just touching base. He mentioned that he'd done a recent investigation into an incident where some Mexican drug runners in a boat exchanged gunfire with Border Patrol agents in another boat on Lake Amistad. The sad thing is, that sort of thing doesn't even make the news anymore. Likewise with another incident where a Texas warden got dragged about a hundred yards by a fleeing suspect.

The heads continue to roll in the publishing industry. There have been recent layoffs at Simon & Schuster, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, Thomas Nelson, and quite a few others. As I've mentioned before, this is not a good time to pitch a book—but that's what my agent is doing for me right now. Hey, the editors have to acquire something, right? Cross your fingers for me.

2008-12-10T08:44:00.002-06:00

A couple of photos.

It actually snowed here last night, and here's proof, plus my dog.

You know how some people find the Virgin Mary in a tortilla or in the mold growing on the side of a water tower? Well, my wife found Charlie Brown in a couple of buttermilk biscuits. Of course, you might see something else. But I say it's Charlie Brown, and it must be a portent of something.

2008-12-08T08:53:00.002-06:00

Just a reminder...

Number of OU players from Texas: 41

Number of UT players from Oklahoma: 0

Number of Florida Gators from Texas: 8

Number of UT players from Florida: 0

Of the teams that have a legitimate claim to being the best in the country, how many were within literally one play of having an undefeated season? One.

Which team was that? You know the answer to that already.

Hook 'Em

2008-12-08T06:49:00.002-06:00

Young hunter has success.

My friend Joe sent me a photo of his recent deer-hunting adventures with his son, Joseph. Nice buck, Joseph. Joe also said he'd be donating blood again soon. Send me a photo, Joe, so I can post it here.

2008-12-05T10:50:00.003-06:00

One tricky momma.

Here's a good example of real life sounding just as intriguing as an imaginative crime-fiction novel:

From CNN:

NEW YORK (AP) -- Doreen Giuliano was obsessed with saving her son from a life behind bars after he was convicted of murder.

She gave herself an extreme makeover -- blonde dye job, fake tan, sexy wardrobe, phony name -- and began spying on jurors. She befriended one juror to root out any possible misdeeds at the trial, and for nearly eight months, they drank at bars, smoked marijuana and shared meals in her tiny Brooklyn hideaway.

The juror eventually opened up to her about his time as a juror, completely unaware that this seductive older woman was the same dutiful mother who sat through the entire trial just a few feet away from him.

Doesn't this sound like a great premise for a novel? If fact, it wouldn't surprise me if something like this has already been written. You can read the full article here.

2008-12-04T16:56:00.003-06:00

As they say, life is in your hands. (Plus, maybe, a free book.)

There's an article in the Austin American-Statesman today about a woman who has donated 25 gallons of blood in the past 18 years. I have a lot of catching up to do. I started donating blood last year, so I'm only at about ten or eleven pints. But I donate every eight weeks and it adds up quickly.

If you've never given blood, you'd be amazed at how simple and painless it is. Plus, most blood centers have mobile drives that pop up all over town, so you can usually find one that's only five or ten minutes from your house. The good feeling you get becomes an addiction—I can't imagine not giving blood every eight weeks.

Can I talk you into donating blood? I'm going to try. Here's an offer good from now until the end of the year, or while supplies last. If you will go to a blood center or a mobile drive and donate blood, then send me a photo of yourself as you're donating, I will mail you a signed hardback copy of Bone Dry, Flat Crazy, or Guilt Trip. (A few of them have very small remainder marks, but does that really matter?)

Think about the gift possibilities. I could sign the book to your father or mother or brother or sister. Or I'll sign it to you, and you'll have something to read over the holidays. Does that sound like a fair trade?

One other thing: Since there are some people out there who would simply surf the Net and find a photo of someone donating blood, then email that photo to me, you'll have to make a gesture in the photo that will verify it as an authentic response to my offer. What's the gesture? Simply make the Hook 'Em Horns symbol when the photo is taken. For you non-Texans, I've attached a photo, so you'll do the gesture correctly and not wind up in trouble with the authorities.

I really hope you'll consider my offer. I'd like nothing more than to mail out a bunch of books in the next four weeks. Just email me a photo and your address. There's an email link on my website: www.benrehder.com.

2008-12-02T10:45:00.003-06:00

They changed it!

I'm guessing some attentive editor saw the humor and decided it wasn't appropriate. Also, they probably wanted to make it clear that they were talking about Bill Clinton, not Bill Crider.

2008-12-02T08:18:00.003-06:00

We've known this for a long time.

This is a headline from the CNN web site:

2008-12-01T08:43:00.001-06:00

Sorry. He's left the building.

I was doing some research on copyright protection this morning, and I ended up on the Web site for the U.S. Copyright Office. There, they have a long list of FAQs. Here's one that caught my eye:

How do I protect my sighting of Elvis?

Copyright law does not protect sightings. However, copyright law will protect your photo (or other depiction) of your sighting of Elvis. File your claim to copyright online by means of the electronic Copyright Office (eCO). Pay the fee online and attach a copy of your photo. Or, go to the Copyright Office website, fill in Form CO, print it, and mail it together with your photo and fee. For more information on registration a copyright, see SL-35. No one can lawfully use your photo of your sighting, although someone else may file his own photo of his sighting. Copyright law protects the original photograph, not the subject of the photograph.

2008-11-26T10:18:00.003-06:00

One thankful penguin.

He was being chased by whales, and the people in the boat were watching. Then the penguin...well, watch it and see.

2008-11-25T08:53:00.003-06:00

What I'm thankful for.

In no particular order....

Readers, in general.

Readers who read my stuff.

My savvy agents.

Gravy.

A wife who is optimistic about my future as a writer, even when I'm pessimistic.

A mom who is equally optimistic.

Mexican food.

That, despite the economic news, we're in much better shape than most people realize. Just ask someone who lived through the Depression.

My dog, even though she is spoiled rotten.

That I've been able to work from home for 17 years.

Open-minded people.

Great in-laws.

Good health.

Great friends.

People willing to fight for us while we sit around and eat turkey.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot things.

What are you thankful for?

2008-11-21T12:33:00.002-06:00

Tell me these men weren't brothers.

Former Texas attorney general Jim Mattox died yesterday. I never noticed how much he looked like Buddy Hackett.

2008-11-18T17:28:00.002-06:00

What can you say about this?

Here's the article.

2008-11-18T16:07:00.002-06:00

Book banned

Not long ago, I blogged about a book in a middle-school library that offended some parents. They wanted the book removed from the library. I can understand those feelings to some degree, because there are some books that are more appropriate for an adult audience.

Ultimately, however, from what I read about this particular book, my opinion was that it should stay on the shelves. I'll admit that I haven't read the book, but I have seen the list of passages that the parents found offensive. I had no problem with it.

Two votes were held to determine whether the book should remain in the library. Both votes returned a "yes"—the book should stay. Details are in the article below, from the Austin American-Statesman.

What the article says is that, despite the votes, the superintendent overruled the voters and removed the books. My prediction: He will—and should—be fired.

As for the parents, if they think their child's morals will be corrupted by what they read in a book such as the one described, they should have a little more confidence in the way they raised him or her.

Here's the article:

Book removed from Round Rock middle school libraries
By Bob Banta | Tuesday, November 18, 2008, 10:54 AM

A teen novel that stirred controversy when the parent of a Round Rock student complained that it is obscene was removed from the district’s middle school libraries today.

The novel entitled “TTYL” by Lauren Myracle is a narrative in the format of cell phone text messages exchanged among a group of teenage girls. TTYL is text message shorthand for “talk to you later.”

Round Rock Superintendent Jesus Chavez sent a letter to Wes and Sherry Jennings on Tuesday saying he had determined that “while the book may be appropriate for some students, it is not appropriate for all of our students in the middle school and should not be made generally available in a middle school library open to all middle school students.”

“If parents wish their individual students to have access to the book, there are ample alternatives for the book to be made available to students at parent discretion,” the superintendent said in his letter.

Sherry Jennings, mother of a Ridgeview Middle School student, filed a complaint at the beginning of this school year after her daughter checked the novel out of the Ridgeview library.

Jennings said Tuesday, “We are extremely pleased that the superintendent is interested in quality education for our children and that he realizes that maturity-wise they are not ready for these types of books.”

Jennings said she objected not only to vulgar language in the book “but also to the sexual content of the entire book.”

Jennings said she and her husband are satisfied with Chavez’s response and plan no further action.

Jennings was scheduled to appear before the school board to argue her complaint on Thursday after previous meetings with school officials proved unsatisfactory to her. Chavez said in the letter to her and her husband that since the book has been removed, the hearing before school trustees will be cancelled.

In late October, a nine-member committee appointed by Chavez decided by a 5 to 4 vote to keep the book on school library shelves. The committee included central administration officials, parents, teachers, and a high school student council member.

On Oct. 9, a six-member Ridgeview panel concluded the book should remain in the Ridgeview library despite the complaint.

2008-11-18T07:59:00.002-06:00

Stealing from Bill.

My friend Bill Crider always has good stuff on his blog, and sometimes, when I'm feeling lazy, instead of looking for my own material, I simply heist stuff from him. Thanks, Bill!

Here's a good example:

Bill links to a recent article about a college professor recalling some of the sentences his students have subjected him to over the years. Bad writing is always fun. Here's a snippet from the article:

You want more examples? How about these beauties:
• “The person was an innocent by standard, who just happened to be the victim of your friend’s careless responsibility.”
• “Society has moved toward cereal killers.”
• “Romeo and Juliet exchanged their vowels.”
• “Willie Loman put Biff on a petal stool.”
• “Another effect of smoking is it may give you cancer of the thought.”
• “The children of lesbian couples receive as much neutering as those of other couples."
Or, when asked to use the past tense of “fly” in a sentence: “I flought to Chicago.”

You can see the full article here.

2008-11-17T08:03:00.003-06:00

The best humorous essay ever written.

In the New York Times, Joe Queenan has a funny essay about overenthusiastic book reviews. Here's a sample:

What makes this bellyaching so unseemly is that the vast majority of book reviews are favorable, even though the vast majority of books deserve little praise. Authors know that even if one reviewer hates a book, the next 10 will roll over like pooches and insist it’s not only incandescent but luminous, too. Reviewers tend to err on the side of caution, fearing reprisals down the road. Also, because they generally receive but a pittance for their efforts, they tend to view these assignments as a chore and write reviews that read like term papers or reworded press releases churned out by auxiliary sales reps. This is particularly true in the mystery genre, where the last negative review was written in 1943.

2008-11-13T12:42:00.001-06:00

I have to agree with this sentencing.

From Mike Leggett at the Austin American-Statesman:

Death sentence for warden's killer

Jurors in Wharton County decided on a death-penalty sentence for 27-year-old James Garrett Freeman, who was convicted of killing Texas game warden Justin Hurst last year.

Hurst was shot one day before his 34th birthday after he answered a call about possible illegal hunting from a roadside Freeman ended a high-speed chase through two counties by leaving his vehicle and opening fire on Hurst and other officers.

Hurst had been a waterfowl biologist with the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department before he entered the game warden academy in 2002 and drew an assignment to Wharton County, southwest of Houston.

Hurst left behind his wife and infant son.

2008-11-06T21:48:00.000-06:00

Better than getting shot by Cheney.

From CNN:

From CNN's Kathleen Koch and Erika Dimmler

WASHINGTON (CNN) — President-elect Barack Obama's daughters have been promised a puppy for the White House — President Bush's dog, Barney, demonstrated his technique for dealing with the media Thursday…sinking his teeth into Reuters TV White House correspondent Jon Decker.

Call it a case of biting the hand that covers you.

First Dog Barney and his handler were out on the front lawn for a walk when Reuters' Decker and another reporter approached.

"He looked very nice and friendly," says Decker. "I bent down to pet him and he just snapped at me."

2008-11-05T14:33:00.002-06:00

Dancing With Matt

In case any of you were too lazy to follow the link I mentioned a few days ago, here's that video I was talking about.

2008-11-04T16:18:00.002-06:00

Ever wonder why people think Texas is full of ignorant rubes?

Here's a snippet from today's Austin American-Statesman:

State Board of Education Member Cynthia Dunbar isn't backing down from her claim that Democratic presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama is sympathetic to terrorists plotting to attack the U.S.

And a little more:

In a column posted on the Christian Worldview Network Web site, Dunbar wrote that a terrorist attack on America during the first six months of an Obama administration "will be a planned effort by those with whom Obama truly sympathizes to take down the America that is threat to tyranny."

She also suggests Obama would seek to expand his power by declaring martial law throughout the country.

This woman has a major impact on what Texas children are taught in school.

2008-11-04T11:11:00.001-06:00

Do you want to see a very inspirational, very meaningful, and very entertaining video—all in one?

Click here. It takes a while to load, but I guarantee it's worth it.

Thanks to my wife for the link.

2008-11-04T07:11:00.001-06:00

Quit reading this. Go vote.

2008-11-03T09:55:00.002-06:00

Status check

The current state of the economy is affecting just about everything, including publishing. Not the best time to be pitching a book, but that's what my agent is doing for me right now. We're still waiting to hear back from several editors. If I'm lucky, the election results tomorrow will generate a new confidence, not just for the economy, but for all things American. We could use it.

Other than that, I wrote a humor piece revolving around the prolonged nature of elections nowadays. Do you realize it's been twenty-one months since Obama and McCain announced their candidacies? I'm pitching the piece to a variety of pubs.

Bow season wrapped up on Friday, and rifle season began on Saturday. I went hunting on Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon, but haven't seen a good mature deer all season. Meanwhile, about thirty minutes ago, a nice buck was feeding right outside my office window. Can't legally hunt in my neighborhood, though, and it would feel like shooting a pet, anyway.

2008-10-24T09:44:00.001-05:00

It was only a matter of time....

The question is, how do we know it wasn't really her?

From CNN:

Palin Look-A-Like Strippers Vie For Title

Winner Gets To Go To Washington For Inauguration

POSTED: 9:54 pm PDT October 23, 2008
UPDATED: 7:04 am PDT October 24, 2008

LAS VEGAS -- There has been no shortage of Sarah Palin imitators since the Alaskan governor became Sen. John McCain’s vice presidential candidate.
But Thursday night brought a new twist for Palin look-a-likes.

Tina Fey is enjoying new-found celebrity status playing Palin on Saturday Night Live. What’s good for Fey is also good for dancers at Club Paradise Gentlemen’s Club.

It was uncanny how some glasses and a little bit of makeup transformed some Las Vegas dancers into Palin look-a-likes, and it was not just local girls who are vying for the title, including one contender from Oklahoma.

2008-10-24T08:54:00.002-05:00

My two cents, so to speak.

Imagine this scenario: You buy some stock in a promising new company. You get a really low price. Over the next several years, the price steadily climbs higher. You consider yourself a genius. Finally, it reaches a point where you decide to sell. You end up making a very nice profit. You sold high, just like you're supposed to.

So here's the question: Why would you follow the exact opposite behavior? Why would you sell when prices reach new lows rather than new highs? For long-term investing--especially in a diverse fund--now is the time to buy. (Disclaimer here that I'm no financial expert and you shouldn't come after me with a pointed stick if things go badly for you.)

2008-10-22T16:38:00.001-05:00

Red and Billy Don would approve.

They're making bourbon in Blanco County. Click here.

The outfit is called Garrison Brothers, and I can't wait to taste their product, when it's ready.

2008-10-21T09:54:00.002-05:00

Puzzling comments

Is anyone reading this politically savvy enough to interpret the quotes below for me? Joe Biden said them on Sunday in Seattle:

"Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking," Biden said.

"Remember I said it standing here. if you don't remember anything else I said. Watch, we're gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy. And he's gonna have to make some really tough -- I don't know what the decision's gonna be, but I promise you it will occur. As a student of history and having served with seven presidents, I guarantee you it's gonna happen," Biden continued.

2008-10-21T09:21:00.003-05:00

How do you feel about censorship?

Recently, a group of parents in Round Rock (a suburb of Austin) took issue with a particular book available in a local middle school. You can read about it here. The book was TTYL by Lauren Myracle. Apparently, there's some strong language and sexual content. The parents circled a petition, and here is the intro:

The purpose of this petition is to notify the RRISD Superintendent - Dr. Jesus Chavez, RRISD School Board Members, and RRISD administrators that we, the undersigned petitioners, are not satisfied with the level of scrutiny applied to the reading material that is allowed into our schools, and that we will not tolerate our children to be unknowingly subjected to books or other material that is obviously vulgar and offensive to the average person.

The particular book in question is entitled “TTYL” which is written by the author Lauren Myracle. We find this book to be HIGHLY objectionable on the basis of vulgar sexual content (see specific offensive excerpts from the book at the end of this petition) and request that it be PERMANENTY REMOVED from all RRISD Middle School libraries.

In addition, it is our right AND our request that the RRISD Superintendent and the RRISD School Board members implement a more suitable review process of library books in which such members include a cross section of parents with values that more closely-align with those of the majority of families in our community. This process should include future purchases AND those books currently in the library.
We are NOT advocating total censorship of books, but our expectations are that a system be put in place such that material that is not age-appropriate, that is mature in content, or that is obviously offensive or vulgar in nature be clearly identified or labeled as such.

Normally, I'm of the mind that you should allow your kids to read just about anything. I mean, at least they're reading, right? (I remember reading The Godfather and The Exorcist when I was about eleven years old. Then again, look how I turned out.) And as one commenter pointed out, it's not the kids who are reading that you have to worry about, it's the kids who aren't reading. I think there's at least a little bit of truth to that. Maybe that's a generalization, though.

However, I can acknowledge that there are some books that aren't intended to be read by kids, and some parents might have legitimate concerns over which books are in the school library. Some parents will be a lot more conservative than others. Where you fall on this issue could be charted on a graph, and it would likely end up as the common bell curve. Most parents would fall somewhere in the middle; they want their kids to expand their minds, but they don't want them exposed to stuff that's outright crude or sexist or racist, etc., especially if the crudity or sexism or racism isn't used as a tool to deliver some sort of larger message. Other parents would let their kids read absolutely anything. (More power to them, I say.) Others would hover over their kids and prevent them from reading Tom Sawyer or Catcher in the Rye.

Here are the passages the parents objected to in TTYL:

Page 7: did he stare at your boobs?..... so watch out he makes a big deal of being all Christian but what that means is the he’s majorly sexually repressed…..

Page 10: well, I was in the bathroom after 5th period…… when Margaret ejaculates…. She squirts when she comes, shit, I can’t believe it. Like Margaret is your friend, u asshole!

Page 13: we could bitch slap her till she apologized…

Page 15: she said he got a total stiffie while they were talking, she said it was hysterical

Page 28: I have a meeting with Mr. H. tomorrow… Just wear a tight shirt and he will give you an “A”

Page 39: making love with Rob would be amazing, I know it

Page 45: she’s a superficial psycho-slut

Page 58: it’s cuz I had a couple of beers, that’s all…

Page 59: WTF

Page 65: Rob is being a total penis-head

Page 115: what about Mr. H, that’s why you got those new jeans for to get him all hot and bothered….. did he jump your bones?

Page 139: put on crotchless panties and do a lap dance for him

Page 145: (after discussing the porn site jesus.com…. jana especially liked the endorsements section, where he gives his lubricant rec in 12 tasty flavors

Page 150: where were you that you were drinking everclear punch?

Page 151: after discussing getting drunk at a frat party and taking her shirt and bra off…. Holy fuck….

Page 165: Fuck.. did you tell her everything, you’re not a whore, just like you’re not a lying bitch, stay out of my fucking business

Page 167: if I did a striptease in front of a teacher instead of 10 million frat boys would that be ok.

Page 168: boo-fucking-hoo…. Screw you

Page 174: discussing hot tub attire after a male teacher invites her to join him at a residence he is house sitting….. we haven’t even discussed your thong possibilities

Page 176: jana sent pictures…. From the frat party.. she was naked from the waist up, subject line was lesbo slut…. Shit, shit, shit….

Page 177: shove it up your ass

Page 186: did Mr. H talk about your bikini again, did he make any moves when you were in the car together?

Page 203: I was like paralyzed,….. Mr. H, kept inching his way toward me…. No I would just whip off my shirt instead…. IF there were a hundred drunk frat boys there to appreciate it.

Page 205: and he (Mr. H) was wearing a speedo, which made it doubly horrific

Page 207: who swoops in like wonder woman to rescue me from sex-crazed English teachers

Do you think the parents have a valid concern? If a middle-school kid reads books with this sort of content, what exactly will it do to him or her?

Thanks, Joe, for bringing this issue up.

2008-10-17T14:00:00.001-05:00

Political compass

I took this test, and I was surprised by what it said about me. Not that I'm going to reveal the results. But you should take it and see if you're similarly surprised.

2008-10-17T09:05:00.000-05:00

What Warren Buffett says about the current market.

"A simple rule dictates my buying: Be fearful when others are greedy, and be greedy when others are fearful," said Buffett. "And most certainly, fear is now widespread, gripping even seasoned investors."

2008-10-14T17:07:00.002-05:00

This took an amazing amount of guts.

From Patrick Beach at the Austin American-Statesman:

Christopher Buckley, author and son of late conservative icon William F. Buckley, last week surprised readers of the magazine his father founded, the National Review: “Sorry, Dad, I’m voting for Obama” was the headline on The Daily Beast blog.

Tuesday in a phone interview with the Austin American-Statesman he revealed another surprise: After NR readers raised holy heck over his perceived betrayal of the right, he offered to resign his column - and it was accepted.

“It upset a great number of people - a huge number of canceled subscriptions, apostasy, the whole thing,” he said from Washington.

When he offered his resignation to the magazine’s editors, “I was sort of hoping for, ‘Well, let’s think about it,’ ” Buckley said. “But to paraphrase Ronald Reagan, I didn’t leave the Republican Party, the Republican Party left me.”

Buckley, the author of numerous humorous political novels, most recently “Supreme Courtship,” is booked to appear at the Texas Book Festival in Austin Nov. 1. “It’s too bad,” Buckley said. “I’m not looking to crap all over NR, but it’s too bad.”

2008-10-14T10:11:00.002-05:00

Sorting through it all.

A few weeks ago, Rolling Stone ran a blistering profile of John McCain. I mean, this article wasn't just negative, it was absolutely devastating, saying that he's everything from a spoiled brat to a liar to a womanizer and on and on. It questioned everything, including his military record and his reasons for remaining a POW when he had the choice to go home. This article was the media equivalent of a nuclear bomb.

Back in 2000, Rolling Stone ran a completely different sort of article about John McCain. It was written by the late David Foster Wallace, and it, generally speaking, hailed McCain as a hero. There were times, in the article, when DFW wondered if he was getting sucked in by marketing—whether, in fact, McCain really was what he appeared to be. But there's no mistaking Wallace's admiration and respect for McCain.

This question is, which article should you believe?

That's one of the things that bothers me about the election process. Slander and libel occur on a regular basis, on both sides. Ads mislead and deceive and flat-out lie. Who can you believe? The public is fed misinformation as a matter of course. Candidates don't always do everything they can to correct misperceptions. Many potential voters are unwilling or unable to find the truth on their own. For instance, at this date, how can anyone still believe that Obama is an Arab or a Muslim or a terrorist? He isn't any of those things, yet some people—people who will vote—think that he is.

Here's my solution, at least for the time being, because it's the only course I can come up with: I attempt to separate facts from opinion.

If one candidate makes a claim or accusation, I attempt to find facts that back it up. There are legitimate sources out there that can help you sort through it all.

In the meantime, how do you handle a Rolling Stone article that seems to contradict everything they said eight years ago?

2008-10-10T09:57:00.001-05:00

Good joke.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

2008-10-09T12:02:00.003-05:00

Hey OU fans, something to remember on Saturday

Take a look at the rosters for this year's Texas and Oklahoma football teams.

Number of Oklahoma players who are from Texas: 41

Number of Texas players who are from Oklahoma: 0

Happens this way every year.

2008-10-08T16:55:00.000-05:00

Busted!

Thanks to my friend John Grace for alerting me to this article.

Deer DNA helps state convict Zavalla man of poaching

By NICK WADE
The Lufkin Daily News

Monday, October 06, 2008

A Zavalla man was sentenced to two years in a state jail and a $3,000 fine last Wednesday for hunting without landowner consent, according to a press release from the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department.

An Angelina County jury sentenced 35-year-old David Peters, after DNA evidence was used against him in the case.

DNA was collected by county game wardens James Barge and Heath Bragg. Texas Parks and Wildlife Department forensics analyst Beverly Villarreal tested the DNA from a rifle seized during execution of a search warrant which proved that the rifle had been at the scene of the offense, the release stated.

Other DNA evidence from beer cans located at the scene and DNA from the defendant was gathered with the help of Lufkin Police Department's crime scene technician Debra Walsh and sent to the Texas Department of Public Safety crime lab in Houston, according to the release.

Assistant District Attorney Dale Summa told the Associated Press on Monday that investigators took DNA from a sample of deer tissue and matched it to DNA from deer blood found on one of Peters' rifles. They also matched Peters' DNA to that found on beer cans beneath a hunter's deer stand, an AP story stated.

Barge said the case marked the first time in his 11-career as a Texas game warden in which human DNA evidence led to a criminal conviction, according to the release.

"Game wardens Barge and Bragg went far beyond what a lot of officers would typically do in gathering evidence for this case, and they should be commended for their dedication," Angelina County District Attorney Clyde Herrington said in the release. "The use of DNA evidence is something we wish was used more often in our general case load. It was critical in this case."

The jury did acquit Peters of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, which allegedly occurred when the land owner caught the defendant with the deer at the scene of the offense.

"One thing about this case that caused some concern among the game wardens and in my office as well is that some of these wildlife crime offenders can be belligerent and dangerous," Herrington stated in the release. "In my view, one of the reasons we have these laws about hunting and fishing is to protect people as well as wildlife."

Peters has filed a notice of appeal, the release stated.

2008-10-06T11:01:00.002-05:00

This is how I spend my day.

Watch it below, or click here.

2008-10-03T09:09:00.004-05:00

A bunch of strangely similar snippets from reviews of Bill Maher's new movie, Religulous...

Is this kind of weird or what?

It's entirely possible to leave "Religulous" thinking the planet is shaped like a barrel and the people living in it are fish that needed shooting. The shooter is Bill Maher, the stand-up comedian who now specializes in bloviating. The fish include anyone who believes in God. (Boston Globe)

While frequently very funny, there is something unsportsmanlike in the glee that Maher takes in baiting the fish in his barrel. (Philadelphia Inquirer)

Rather than simply shooting fish in a barrel, however, Charles and Maher have tried to ensure that "Religulous" takes on all comers. Those who laugh the hardest at others may be the ones who find the message of the film's finale most disconcerting of all. (Los Angeles Times)

We see Maher stop at a “truckers’ chapel,” where the good ol’ boys, resembling balding, pot-bellied ducks in a barrel, bristle at their guest speaker and where the preacher confesses to being a reformed“Satanist.” (Boston Herald)

What's more, Maher spears only small fish: marginal ministers, inarticulate eccentrics, some dude who plays Jesus at an Orlando theme park. (Newsday)

One trucker, irritated by Maher’s questions, storms out, declaring, “You start disputing my God and you’ve got a problem.” It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. (Chicago Reader)

Q: It seems like shooting fish in a barrel.
Larry Charles: It’s not though. Why is it? Why do you feel that way? He acquits himself very well. He answers the questions. He has no doubt in his mind about what he believes. (MoviesOnline)

Unsurprisingly, he's unsuccessful in making his interviewees doubt their long-held views. And while he finds hypocrisy, he's after bigger fish. (New York Daily News)

2008-10-03T08:30:00.002-05:00

Remember: they all lie. All of them.

Or, at a minimum, they bungle the facts. Here's an article by Calvin Woodward of the Associated Press:

WASHINGTON -- Facts went adrift on taxes, deregulation and more Thursday when Republican Sarah Palin and Democrat Joe Biden clashed in the vice presidential debate. Some examples:

PALIN: Said of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama: "94 times he voted to increase taxes or not support a tax reduction."

THE FACTS: The dubious count includes repetitive votes as well as votes to cut taxes for the middle class while raising them on the rich. An analysis by factcheck.org found that 23 of the votes were for measures that would have produced no tax increase at all, seven were in favor of measures that would have lowered taxes for many, 11 would have increased taxes on only those making more than $1 million a year.
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BIDEN: Complained about "economic policies of the last eight years" that led to "excessive deregulation."

THE FACTS: Biden voted for 1999 deregulation that liberal groups are blaming for part of the financial crisis. The law allowed Wall Street investment banks to create the kind of mortgage-related securities at the core of the problem now. The law was widely backed by Republicans as well as by Democratic President Clinton, who argues it has stopped the crisis today from being worse.
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PALIN: "Two years ago, remember, it was John McCain who pushed so hard with the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac reform measures. He sounded that warning bell."

THE FACTS: Republican Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska led an effort in 2005 to tighten regulation on the mortgage underwriters -- McCain joined as a co-sponsor a year later. The legislation was never taken up by the full Senate, then under Republican control.
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BIDEN: Warned that Republican presidential candidate John McCain's $5,000 tax credit to help families buy health coverage "will go straight to the insurance company."

THE FACTS: Of course it would, because it's meant to pay for insurance. That's like saying money for a car loan will go straight to the car dealer.
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PALIN: "We cannot afford to lose against al-Qaida and the Shia extremists who are still there, still fighting us."

THE FACTS: She appeared to confuse the two main Muslim sects in Iraq. Al-Qaida is solely made up of Sunni Muslim militants. Through the course of the war, U.S. forces fought ferocious opposition from both the Sunnis and the country's dominant Shiite sects. Now, both groups are largely maintaining a cease-fire with the U.S. A much-diminished al-Qaida, mainly foreign fighters, remains the primary threat.
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BIDEN: Said McCain supports tax breaks for oil companies, and "wants to give them another $4 billion tax cut."

THE FACTS: Biden is repeating a favorite saw of the Obama campaign, and it's misleading. McCain supports a cut in income taxes for all corporations, and doesn't single out any one industry for that benefit.
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PALIN: Said the United States has reduced its troop level in Iraq to a number below where it was when the troop increase began in early 2007.

THE FACTS: Not correct. The Pentagon says there are currently 152,000 U.S. troops in Iraq, about 17,000 more than there were before the 2007 military buildup began.
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BIDEN: "As a matter of fact, John recently wrote an article in a major magazine saying that he wants to do for the health care industry -- deregulate it and let the free market move -- like he did for the banking industry."

THE FACTS: Biden and Obama have been perpetuating this distortion of what McCain wrote in an article for the American Academy of Actuaries. McCain, laying out his health plan, only referred to deregulation when saying people should be allowed to buy health insurance across state lines. In that context, he wrote: "Opening up the health insurance market to more vigorous nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation."
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PALIN: Said Alaska is "building a nearly $40 billion natural gas pipeline, which is North America's largest and most expensive infrastructure project ever to flow those sources of energy into hungry markets."

THE FACTS: Not quite. Construction is at least six years away. So far the state has only awarded a license to Trans Canada Corp., that comes with $500 million in seed money in exchange for commitments toward a lengthy and costly process to getting a federal certificate. At an August news conference after the state Legislature approved the license, Palin said, "It's not a done deal."
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PALIN: "Barack Obama even supported increasing taxes as late as last year for those families making only $42,000 a year."

BIDEN: "The charge is absolutely not true. Barack Obama did not vote to raise taxes. The vote she's referring to, John McCain voted the exact same way."

THE FACTS: The vote was on a nonbinding budget resolution that assumed that President Bush's tax cuts would expire, as scheduled, in 2011. If that actually happened, it could mean higher taxes for people making as little as about $42,000. But Obama is proposing tax increases only on the wealthy, and would cut taxes for most others. In the March 14 budget resolution supported by Obama and Biden, McCain actually did not vote.
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PALIN: Said a McCain-Palin administration "will support Israel," including "building our embassy ... in Jerusalem."

THE FACTS: Moving the U.S. Embassy from its present location in Tel Aviv to Jerusalem is a perennial promise of presidential candidates courting the Jewish-American vote. In fact, moving the embassy is actually required by U.S. law. But successive administrations of both parties, including President Bush's, have made the same pledge only to find that the realities of Middle East peacemaking have forced them to invoke a waiver to delay it. Jerusalem is claimed as a capital by both Israel and the Palestinians, and Israel's occupation of east Jerusalem is not internationally recognized. The city's status is a key issue of disagreement in peace negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians.

2008-10-03T07:09:00.000-05:00

Another one bites the dust.

Former Round Rock pastor get 5 years for stealing nearly $700,000 from church

Donald Clyde also gets 10 years probation for taking money from Fellowship Forest Creek Church.

By Isadora Vail
AMERICAN-STATESMAN STAFF

Friday, October 03, 2008

GEORGETOWN — A former Round Rock pastor was sentenced Thursday to five years in prison and 10 years' probation after pleading guilty in August to stealing more than $700,000 from the Fellowship at Forest Creek Church.

Donald "Roddy" Clyde pleaded guilty to two counts of felony theft in August, both of which carry a penalty of up to life in prison. But as part of a plea agreement, prosecutors and Clyde's defense attorney, Marc Ranc, asked that Clyde receive five years in prison on the first charge and 10 years' probation on the second charge, and that the sentences run concurrently.

State District Judge Ken Anderson accepted the plea deal Thursday, and tailored some of the terms of probation to fit the case. Anderson required that Clyde, once on probation, not be a part of any church for longer than 24 months, and not be a volunteer or hold a leadership position in a church.

Clyde, 49, turned himself in to authorities in August 2007 after he told officials he took money from the Round Rock church to buy vacations, property and horses. He told police that he used the church's bank accounts and credit cards for the purchases.

The finances were questioned when a church accountant noticed unusual transactions on the church's bank statements. After those charges were brought to Clyde's attention and authorities were called, he stepped down as pastor. He'd been with the church, which has a membership of about 1,500, since 1992.

Since the case began last year, about two dozen people from the church have attended every hearing. Most of them said the sentence was too harsh, and they had hoped for probation instead of jail time.

"I think it is a stiff sentence, but I am happy he cooperated with the investigation from the beginning," Ranc said. "He always wanted to tell parishioners that he took responsibility and that he was sorry but couldn't contact them because of the terms of his probation."

2008-10-02T09:26:00.004-05:00

Taxpayer funding for the arts.

I want to talk about a delicate subject—taxpayer funding for the arts. When I say "the arts," that includes a lot of stuff. But I'm going to talk about something specific.

First, though, let me say that I'm not a big fan of tax dollars going to arts programs. I know that sounds like a typical conservative position, but I think it's actually the opposite. Hopefully, by the time I finish with the post, I'll have made my reasoning clear.

This past spring, I spoke to a writers' group about six or seven hours away. They offered an honorarium, but I can't remember how much it was. Probably somewhere between $100 and $200. They also covered my lodging. I've just learned that taxpayer dollars, through the Texas Commission on the Arts, paid for my visit. And, as far as I can tell, that commission, as you would guess, is at least partially funded by the state, and they also receive some federal dollars.

I'm going to make a broad statement based on my own opinion: It appeared that the attendees at this event could've paid for the event themselves. In fact, I'm pretty sure they did have to pay to attend, and they probably could've paid a few bucks more. None of them appeared to be living near poverty level. I don't see why the event had to receive any tax dollars instead of being self-funded. Honestly, I don't feel comfortable knowing that taxpayers footed the bill for my visit.

Who pays to fund the commission? We all do. I don't want to get into a specific discussion about how every tax dollar is acquired and where each dollar goes—mostly because I'm not an economist and I wouldn't know the specifics—but I will say this: Every time our government—whether city, county, state or federal—spends a dollar, they have to acquire that dollar from somewhere. Some people might say, well, arts programs are only funded by dollars collected on luxury items or on sin taxes or whatever. (I'm just making that up, by the way.) But the bottom line is, if the state of Texas, for example, needs 10 bazillion dollars to meet its budget, it's going to attempt to collect 10 bazillion dollars in various taxes. If any given government can lower its budget, it can collect less revenue. Right?

No matter how you massage the message, it appears that lower-income taxpayers are helping fund the arts. Maybe some lower-income people have no problem funding the arts, but I'm guessing many of them would rather have those funds used in another manner, or they'd prefer lower taxes.

I talked a few weeks ago about receiving honorariums when I speak to library groups. The difference there is that those fees are typically generated by Friends of the Library groups. They raise the funds themselves, through membership dues, auctions, etc. So I'm not being paid by taxpayer dollars. (If I'm wrong about this, please, someone, let me know.) Also, if the library chooses to sell books, they can make a pretty good profit on these types of events, even after paying honorariums to authors. So it's a win-win situation.

Anyone have any thoughts on this? I freely admit that I'm no expert on this topic, and if I've misunderstood how various funds are generated, please tell me how ignorant I am.

2008-09-28T19:37:00.003-05:00

I doubt you'll ever see this video on The Daily Show.

Not Obama's finest moments.

2008-09-26T10:07:00.003-05:00

The people at Oprah magazine have officially told married people to shut up.

No, really. Check it out.

2008-09-26T08:45:00.002-05:00

Another one bites the dust.

These wacky evangelists just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Frankly, he should also be charged for looking like Conway Twitty.

(CNN) -- Evangelist Tony Alamo was arrested Thursday in Flagstaff, Arizona, on charges related to a child porn investigation, an FBI spokesman said.

The 74-year-old founder and leader of Tony Alamo Christian Ministries was arrested without incident at 2:45 p.m. (4:45 p.m. ET) as he was departing the Little America Hotel with his wife, said Manuel Johnson, spokesman for the FBI in Phoenix, Arizona.

The FBI, the Flagstaff Police Department and the Arizona Department of Public Safety were involved in the arrest, he said.

Alamo was charged under a federal statute with having knowingly transported a minor across state lines with the intent to engage in sexual activity, Johnson said.

2008-09-25T10:26:00.003-05:00

Brutal honesty from Dennis Lehane

Below is a snippet from an article on the Entertainment Weekly site. It's interesting to me that Lehane feels this way, and doesn't seem to be very nostalgic about, or even fond of, the series that launched him.

Dennis Lehane is done writing whodunits.

''I'd say it's highly unlikely that I'll ever write another one,'' says the best-selling author of five Patrick Kenzie detective mysteries, including Gone Baby Gone, which was made into a movie last year by Ben Affleck. ''I was never comfortable with them anyway. I'd be writing these friggin' whodunits,'' he laughs, getting excited, ''and I could care less. I wanna tell everybody on page 2, he killed so-and-so, he done it! If you look at my books in that regard — and I'll be 100 percent honest about my flaws — you can see how I was whipping out the kitchen sink just to obscure s---, like the identity of the serial killer or whatever, and that's why the books got so labyrinthian in the last 100 pages.''

2008-09-24T07:04:00.003-05:00

Ever seen a raccoon with mange?

2008-09-19T09:05:00.005-05:00

Spin, spin, spin

Have you seen those new Microsoft ads with Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates? If you haven't yet, you won't. They've already been pulled. Some say it's because they were poorly received, but...

...a senior vice president in Microsoft's central marketing group, Mich Mathews, contended in an interview Thursday that it was always the plan to replace the Seinfeld-Gates ads with ones that focus on Windows.

"The notion that we're doing some quick thing to cancel (the Seinfeld ads) is actually preposterous," Mathews said. "Today was always the day. ... Media buying is something you have to do months in advance."

I'm a 20-years-plus veteran of the ad biz, and I can tell you this: he's lying.

Microsoft is desperately trying to come up with something to combat the Mac ads—the ones with the cool Mac guy and the dorky PC guy. All I can say to that is good luck. Now it sounds like they are going to address those ads directly, and I think that's a huge mistake. They should ignore Mac's ads altogether. Or attempt to hire Mac's current agency.

2008-09-19T09:05:00.002-05:00

Trying something new

I've decided I want to pitch a story to This American Life. If you haven't listened to this show on NPR, you really should, and you'll likely become addicted as quickly as I have. What they do is present a collection of stories revolving around a theme every week. For instance, a recent show had a theme of "The Enforcers." One of the stories was about a group of online guys who screw around with scammers on the Internet. They make the scammers look like idiots in ways I won't explain, but it's really funny. They are, in effect, self-appointed enforcers on the Internet.

The trick, for me, is to come up with a story that will be right for TAL. Not just any story will do, even if it's interesting and well told. It has to fit into the personality of the show. The only way to understand the personality is to listen to a bunch of episodes.

Anyway, I've been thinking about some ideas, and I have about six now, but I'm still weighing their merits. Some seem better than others, but it's likely I won't know how good the idea is until I interview the subjects for the story.

One of my good friends (known him since I was about ten) is coming over this afternoon to re-tell me a great story he originally told me a couple of months ago. It's an interesting story about a woman and a strange man she gets involved with. As an added benefit, my friend is a really good storyteller.

After we're done, if I think I've recorded something worthy, I'll edit it together, burn a CD, and send it off.

Wish me luck. Maybe you'll hear something of mine on the radio.

2008-09-15T12:21:00.001-05:00

Do you live in Round Rock, Texas?

If so, please click here.

Thank you.

2008-09-15T08:57:00.002-05:00

The great decision-making hierarchy for speaking engagements.

Like most authors, I get invited to speak at various events—large and small book festivals, library meetings and luncheons, civic groups' monthly meetings, etc. The attendance at these events can vary widely. I've driven eight or nine hours to speak to ten people. Sort of a letdown. Then again, I've driven one hour and been pleasantly surprised to find an audience of 150.

It's fun to get out and talk about my books, but after you've done enough of these events, honestly, the novelty begins to wear off a bit. Instead of speaking purely for the enjoyment of it, you begin to weigh the potential benefits. You ask: What's in it for me? How many books will I sign? Is it worth it to spend a Saturday traveling and speaking rather than doing something else I enjoy? I'm not alone in this type of thinking, either. Every serious author I know has eventually developed an informal system to determine whether he or she will accept a speaking or signing invitation. Here are some of the things I look for myself:

How many years has the event taken place, and what sort of audience does it normally draw? Will I be speaking to a small group or a large one?

How far away is it? I'm much more likely to drive an hour than a day to speak to a smaller group.

Who's selling the books? Most groups arrange for my books to be sold, or they invite a rep from a local bookstore to sell books. If the group has made no plans to sell books—especially if it hasn't even occurred to them that books should be available for purchase—well, frankly, doesn't it make sense than I'd be less likely to participate? Some of the groups expect authors to bring and sell their own books, and many authors (especially newbies) are willing to do that. I've done it a couple of times myself, and you can make some pretty good money. But, ultimately, it's better for me if a bookstore is involved, as that will help spread the word about my books even further. Plus, I don't have to maintain an inventory and haul books around. Library groups and civic organizations should also be aware that they can make some good money if they order and sell the books themselves. (These comments don't apply to private book clubs. I don't expect them to be in the book-selling business.)

Which authors have spoken to the group in the past? If it's primarily self-published authors, that tells me something about the event. You probably know what it tells me. If the previous authors have been "traditionally published," I might contact one or two of them and see how it went. Did they draw a crowd? Sign a lot of books?

If other authors will be appearing at the event with me, who are they? Does it make sense for us to speak together? Are they self-published? If they are, I'm more likely to pass.

Does the organizer seem organized? Is it a last-minute invitation? Are all the details plainly spelled out? Do they appear to know my work? Or are they merely trying to fill a speaking slot with a warm body?

This might seem obvious, but if a library group asks me to speak, I'm more likely to do it if they have my books on their library shelves. I can usually check this online, and there have been a few times when the library did NOT carry my books. Why would I speak at a library that doesn't carry my books?

Time of year is important for me. I turn down more offers during the fall because of deer hunting and college football.

Okay, the last one, and it's a biggie. Many organizations offer a speaking fee (also known as an honorarium), and they might also cover travel expenses, including airfare, gas, hotel, meals, etc. The availability of a speaking fee will certainly impact my decision. Again, I'm trying to make a living at this. This might surprise you, but most library groups have a budget for speakers—even if it's just a token amount. Some routinely pay several hundred dollars, or even more, depending on the speaker. (If the library handles book sales, they can still make a very nice profit from the event. If they invite a sales rep from a bookstore, they should ask for a generous percentage of the profits.) To me, a speaking fee is less important if I'm going to sign a lot of books (say, fifty or more) and meet a bunch of new readers.

2008-09-07T17:30:00.002-05:00

Central Texas sunset

Snapped this shot yesterday evening, not far from my house.

2008-09-05T13:24:00.002-05:00

Telepathy, Plagiarism, Homage, or Coincidence?

This is yesterday's Hagar the Horrible and today's Blondie.

2008-09-04T13:31:00.001-05:00

And the winner for strangest ad on Craigslist goes to...

Free Nine Foot Tall Male Genitalia Statue (NW ATX)

Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-09-04, 7:21AM CDT

I am trying to free myself of this 9' tall statue my grandmother made me, it does not go with my house's theme and sticks out and is too tacky for my taste. I will give to first to come pick it up and get it out of my site. It is all black, and, yes it is of a man's private parts. Please call me immediately, at (deleted). Thanks.

2008-09-04T10:42:00.004-05:00

Dear UniCare,

I hate you.

This isn't news, of course. I've hated you for quite some time. The hate has grown each year, with each new notice of an increase in my premiums.

In those notices, you mention the rising cost of health care. Did those costs rise 25% this past year? That's how much you increased my premium. You've increased it about that much every year. Every single year. I hate you for it. I've gotten to where I shudder when I see that large envelope in the mail.

Here's the funny thing, though. I took a look at the most recent annual report for WellPoint, the company that owns you, and I found some interesting text. Even though it says your mission is "To improve the lives of the people we serve and the health of our communities," I think you're being a tad misleading.

In the letter to shareholders, you mention that in 2007 "WellPoint grew earnings by more than 15 percent." You also say "we expect 2008 to be a record year...including the highest earnings per share we've ever generated."

That's the bottom line. You are making a bunch of profit, and you are doing it by steadily increasing the cost of your health-care plans, to the point where it's just plain ridiculous. But, at the same time, you're making invalid excuses for raising your rates 25% at a time, every year, year after year.

That's why I hate you. Plus, you smell funny.

Sincerely,

Ben Rehder

2008-09-03T07:07:00.001-05:00

A Class Act.

There's a question as to how much longer Dave Letterman will hang out late at night, and they deal with that topic in the recent issue of Rolling Stone. Forget all that, though. This is the snippet of the article that moved me:

In the Rolling Stone article, Letterman discusses guests including Madonna, Oprah Winfrey and Howard Stern, with the most moving remarks about musician Warren Zevon, who appeared on "Late Show" shortly before his 2003 death from cancer.

Letterman recalled his "heartbreaking" meeting with Zevon in a dressing room after the show.

"Here's a guy who had months to live and we're making small talk. And as we're talking, he's taking his guitar strap and hooking it, wrapping it around, then he puts the guitar into the case and he flips the snaps on the case and says, `Here, I want you to have this, take good care of it.' And I just started sobbing.

"He was giving me the guitar that he always used on the show. I felt like, `I can't be in this movie, I didn't get my lines.' That was very tough," Letterman said.

2008-09-02T16:22:00.003-05:00

More Palin, and I don't mean Michael.

Bill Crider sent me this photo, but in defense of my wife's mastery at all things Web, she had already pointed it out to me.

Bill says, "Might be photoshopped, but who cares?"

2008-09-02T14:58:00.004-05:00

Now this is a VP running mate we can all get behind.

Uh, maybe I should rephrase that.

2008-08-25T13:19:00.002-05:00

Some odds. Some ends.

I haven't been posting much lately, but here are a few tidbits....

For the second year, I acted as a barbecue judge for the San Antonio Masonry Contractors Association. I'm not qualified, of course, beyond the fact that I have a mouth. I stuffed myself with ribs, brisket, chicken, and maybe some squirrel. Burped 'cue for a couple of days.

Good news! I've won a luxury car or a bunch of cash or a shopping spree or an "exotic island adventure," according to the friendly folks at the Awards Verification Center in North Richland Hills, Texas. How nice of them to just randomly give me something so nice. The thing is, I'm kind of busy right now. Will someone please call them at 800-525-1289 and let them know how grateful I am?

I was so impressed by the performance of my new superzoom point-and-shoot camera that I'm writing an article about it for an upcoming issue of Texas Parks & Wildlife magazine. That way, I can write off the camera! Take that, IRS! In your face!

Anybody who deer hunts knows that corn is up to about $11 a bag. If anybody around here knows where to get it cheaper, let me know.

Haven't been reading much lately, but my lovely wife and I are going on vacation soon, and I plan to do some reading then. What's that? Where are we going? Thanks for asking. The answer is Clearwater, Florida. Hurricane Fay was nice enough to skirt around that portion of the state.

Not long ago I watched In the Valley of Elah. I enjoyed it quite a bit, except for the final minute. The last scene was a tad predictable, and I thought it was the only part of the movie that was heavy-handed in delivering a message. I imagine the director weighed the pros and cons of that scene for quite a while before deciding to shoot it.

Question: Why does the media still report everything Hillary Clinton says about any topic under the sun?

You know what Stephenie Meyer needs? A PR agent. She isn't getting enough exposure.

2008-08-17T12:20:00.001-05:00

Painfully funny

This spoof of the ad world is so on target, it makes me cringe.

2008-08-14T17:16:00.001-05:00

The Ultimate Deer Blind

All these years, I've been building my deer blinds the wrong way.

Here's how you do it.

Thanks to JB for the heads-up.

2008-08-14T12:24:00.001-05:00

Also, thanks for the genes.

I'm proud to say that my talented mom has a short story in the latest edition of Mouthful of Bullets. Way to go, Mom! You can check it out here.

2008-08-14T08:49:00.002-05:00

Please. Make it stop.

I lifted yesterday's Dilbert cartoon off the official site—placing myself in legal jeopardy—to make a point. And here it is:

The phrase "I know, right?" continues to infiltrate all strata of society. Even cartoon characters are using it. This irks me, because it's an annoying phrase. It popped up a couple of years ago and it won't go away. Where did it come from? Who started it? Why do people continue to say it? It broke my heart, several months ago, when I heard Tina Fey say it on Letterman. What a letdown. She's smarter than that. She doesn't need catchphrases.

Well, it doesn't matter. Because we're going to start a campaign against it. Here's what I want you to do: When somebody says it in your general vicinity, grab a hard object and club them about the torso with it. Chair, bat, pool cue, your grandmother's walker—anything will work. Club them, and make them promise to stop saying it. Unless it's Tina Fey. Leave her alone. I'm sure she's come to her senses by now.

Thank you.

2008-08-13T08:22:00.002-05:00

If Nick Adams Were Texan

Clay Coppedge is a fellow Texas writer who recently shared some of his essays with me. I enjoyed all of them, but one in particular cracked me up. It's a parody of Hemingway's Nick Adams character. If you're familiar with that character, you'll love Clay's piece. He was kind enough to give me permission to post it here. You can find more of Clay's work through a simple Google search. Here's the essay:

Little One-Hearted Stock Tank

By Clay Coppedge

This is a glimpse of what 20th Century American literature might look like if Ernest Hemingway had grown up on the south plains of Texas instead of the Michigan woods.

Part I
The train that took him over the river and through the woods dropped him off at the stock tank. He was glad to not be on the train. The conductor had made him ride in a cattle car because he was carrying two pounds of Stink Bait. The cattle car was good. It smelled a lot like his Stink Bait. He liked the smell though the cattle car was crowded. Now he was at the stock tank and he was going to fish.

He went to the edge of the stock tank and looked down into the water that looked like chocolate but smelled a lot like his Stink Bait. He saw an ugly bearded fish close to the surface. It brought him a good feeling until he realized it was his own reflection and not a fish at all. It was a bad thing to see a reflection of yourself and think you are seeing a fish, the man thought. His name was Nick Adams. Nick Adams was a man. Yes, a big man. He was not a fish. His friend Johnny Darter was a fish. But he, Nick Adams, was not.

Nick Adams went to the other side of the tank and looked down into the water where he could see the outline of fish at the bottom of the tank. Catfish, he thought. He was right. Catfish can live happily ever after at the bottom of a stock tank. He liked that in a fish but some people did not.

A preacher in Barcelona, during the war, had once told him, “The catfish is an unclean animal.” Nick Adams did not know about that. He had not found any mention of catfish in the Bible. He had looked. He could not find it. His failure was as simple as that but it was a strange thing. He could not find a mention of catfish. Not at all. I am going to catch the catfish, the man told himself. I am going to catch the catfish and then I am going to eat them because I am a man and I eat fish. I am going to have a catfish buffet, the kind of buffet I did not have in the war. The war was still there but he was not going to it any more. The fish will be good. He sure hoped so. He had staked his entire literary reputation on it.

II
Nick Adams opened his can of Stink Bait and stuck it on a hook that was tied to the end of his fishing line that was spooled through a reel and attached to a rod that would give him the means to propel the Stink Bait out into the middle of the stock tank where the big catfish were holding steady against a current that did not exist because this was pretty much a stagnant stock tank and had no current, at least no current that a catfish could call home.

He cast his smelly bait into the water. He let it drop to the bottom of the stock tank where cows often came to drink water and cool off with a refreshing dip in the water that looked like chocolate but was not chocolate. No cows were at stock tank now. The man did not wonder why. He was not the kind of man who wondered about things like that. He did not wish for cows. He got his fill of cows when he was on the cattle car.

The man waited. He waited some more. As a change of pace, he waited. The man cursed the hour for the weight of its leaden wing and thought, “Hey, that’s a good line!” He promised himself he would remember that line in a story he would call “A Farewell To Cows” but he knew that might not happen because he had come to the stock tank to forget and that was what he planned to do.

Then he felt a tug on the end of his line. “What line?” he wondered. See, he told himself. I have already forgotten the line. The only line that mattered now was his fishing line. He reeled in a catfish. He reached into the water and removed the fish, which stabbed him in the hand. The man took the fish and smashed its head against a rock. In this way he killed the fish.

Bleeding profusely, the man went to where he was going to set up camp. He bandaged his hand. Then he cooked the catfish. He ate it. Something about the fish reminded him of the cattle car. The man longed for trout in a way that he had never longed for trout before. He went back to the stock tank with his Stink Bait. It smelled very bad.

The man thought, Someday I will write a story about rivers and trout. That’s what I will do. Sure as shootin.’ At least it was pretty to think so.

2008-08-12T13:14:00.002-05:00

Viva Mexico!

My wife and I and two other couples went down to Nuevo Laredo this past weekend. The six of us have been making an annual August trip for about 14 years—usually to some border town, but for the past five or six years we've been selecting alternate (i.e. safer) destinations.

I'm happy to say that it was the same ol' Nuevo Laredo. The streets weren't lined with Tony Montana wannabes, as the media makes it sound. There were, however, very few tourists to be seen, even in broad daylight.

We had a great time. Ate some excellent food. Drank a few cold beers. Bought some much-needed blankets, candy, liquor, and other assorted doodads. Felt safe and welcome the whole time. Got some excellent bullfighting posters to hang in my hunting cabin.

There was one incident where a local led us to a particular restaurant we were looking for. We gave him a few bucks for his trouble, then he offered to go get us some beer. We trusted him with twenty bucks...and then time began to pass. The restaurant manager came to us after awhile and pronounced that the guy had absconded with our money. We were disappointed. We all really hoped there was some other explanation, but, well, we figured the guy had scored some easy cash. Ten minutes later, he walked in with our beer. He explained that the closest stores didn't have the brand of beer we wanted.

The manager, by the way, had lived in the U.S., but had been deported after shooting a guy. The guy had been a robber holding the manager's wife and child at gunpoint. The manager probably would have gotten away with it, except that he shot the guy once, went outside to reload, then came back in and shot him again. I told him in Texas we encourage that sort of thing, but he got convicted and spent eight years in prison, then was deported.

Here are a few photos for your multicultural enjoyment.

2008-08-07T15:15:00.003-05:00

The toy that conquered the world.

My dad was in the Navy in the late 50s, and he spent a lot of time aboard an aircraft carrier cruising around the Mediterranean. He snapped this photo at one of his ports of call. The hula-hoop craze was in full swing. I've always thought this was a great shot, like something you might've seen in Life magazine.

Click on the image to see it larger.

2008-08-06T08:25:00.001-05:00

She should turn the other breast, like it says in the Bible.

Lawsuit against Osteen's wife heads to court

HOUSTON — A Continental Airlines flight attendant's lawsuit against Victoria Osteen, wife of nationally known pastor and author Joel Osteen, was expected to go before a jury, attorneys said.

Sharon Brown alleges in a civil lawsuit that Victoria Osteen, co-pastor of Houston's popular Lakewood Church, assaulted her during a Dec. 19, 2005 flight from Houston to Vail, Colo., by throwing her against an airplane bathroom door. She also alleges Osteen elbowed her in the left breast.

The Federal Aviation Administration fined Victoria Osteen $3,000 for interfering with a crew member during the flight.

Rusty Hardin, her attorney, adamantly denies the allegations.

"It's absolutely insane," Hardin said Wednesday in an online edition of the Houston Chronicle.

Attorneys for both sides on Wednesday will attempt to seat a jury and Joel Osteen was expected to testify during the trial.

In a pretrial frenzy of finger pointing, lawyers for both women say airplane passengers and Continental employees will testify it was the other woman who was out of control.

The FAA report states that Osteen asked another flight attendant to clean a liquid on her first-class seat armrest. When that attendant said she would get another flight attendant, Osteen grabbed a second flight attendant and took her to the seat, the report said. The second attendant said she would call cleaning personnel and headed to the cockpit, the FAA said. Osteen followed her and came across Brown, whom she pushed and elbowed in the left breast in an attempt to get to the cockpit, according to the report.

The flight attendants asked to have Osteen removed from the plane; she and her family left voluntarily. Osteen denies the charges of assault.

According to court documents, Brown claims that she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident and said her faith was affected. She is also suing Osteen for medical expenses for counseling.

Brown's attorney, Reginald McKamie, declined to discuss the evidence he plans to present at trial, but said medical professionals will testify on Brown's behalf.

McKamie said Brown wants an apology and wants to punish Victoria Osteen with punitive damages amounting to 10 percent of her net worth, saying his client was "traumatized" by the whole event.

Joel Osteen's weekly television address is broadcast nationally and internationally.

2008-08-04T07:43:00.003-05:00

Amazing List from 1970

While scanning some of the old newspaper articles I've been looking at lately, I stumbled across this list of bestsellers from 1970. I promise I didn't go looking for it to make a point, it was just there. Take a look at that list. Is that an astounding lineup or what? This is the literary equivalent of the Yankees' Murderers Row. I think it also illustrates that our reading habits and choices have changed a lot in 38 years.